So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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