I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
