YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
PANTIES FOUND
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