Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
