I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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