no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
