Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
