The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
