He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
