Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize