I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
