Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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