Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
