dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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