I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I supernannyed him into submission
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
