Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
