i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
