She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
