If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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