jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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