I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
