i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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