Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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