What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
