between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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