I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
did i walk over a car last night?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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