bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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