By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
