I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he thought i was a dude.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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