my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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