there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
