Please don't use social media to get back at me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He passed out mid-signature
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
