You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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