Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
NoShamevember. You game?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
