tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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