So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
