yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
