There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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