You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
