I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
