my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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