Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize