you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize