I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I touched a dick in church today
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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