I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
