"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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