On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
