Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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