I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
