____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
