We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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