She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
