i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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