I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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