I didn't shave. On purpose
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
