Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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