When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
