next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
