Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
