i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
