Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
