pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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