Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
