like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize