mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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