I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Randomize
