i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize