I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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