i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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