And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
