I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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